Friday, January 18, 2013

back from the dead.

I just got over the flu A (the "mild" one).  And I would like to state this for the record: Its name does not suffice.  I don't care if "flu" is short for "influenza".  That does it no justice.

To briefly recount my flu experience:
(And if you think I'm exaggerating, I'm NOT!)
     For days I writhed on a futon, not wanting to eat, play video games, write, watch tv, or even have the tv turned on.
     For days my body's surface reached temperatures comparable to ground-zero of an atomic blast in the earth's core (if the earth were being consumed by the sun (and the sun went into super-nova)) and yet I felt like my every pore was being roughly penetrated by fourteen-inch icicles.
     For days I listened to Simon's footsteps, pattering through the house, knowing he could do little more than peer into the darkness of my quarantined office through the barely cracked doorway, gradually forgetting I exist.  When I attempted to say his name - in the rare instances that I opened my mouth to do something besides cough up what felt like knotted lengths of razor wire - I found that my voice had been reduced to the ripping croak of a zombie bullfrog.  Unable to hear my cries, my wife, son and dog soon forgot me.
     I began to waste away.  The palor of my skin lost any semblance of life and became a mottled sheet, wound ruthlessly around my gaunt skeleton.  My sleeve of saltines depleted.  Then went my water.  I prepared to die.
     I'd been living off stale crumbs picked from my grey-streaked beard when a fly landed on my tongue.  With every bit of effort I could muster, I closed my lips.
     Then I swallowed.   
     After that it was only a matter of luring flies to my gaped mouth during the brief windows between seizures of coughing and hacking.  The bedpan had long since been forgotten - I was no longer taking in fluids, therefore... you get the idea - but it served as a breeding ground for the fat, green and purple flies that sustained me.
     My fever subsided, but not without draining all my strength... and some of my sanity.
     Weeks passed and new life came about in that forgotten office.  Springing up from the shadows in the corners or the cracks beneath the window sill came spiders, mice, and creatures far less savory.  Gradually I developed strategies for capturing and devouring them all, which was all the more cunning considering I didn't have even the energy to lift a finger.  By flicking my eyelashes or beard, I would taunt and trick the pests until they were in range then swooop! them into my mouth in a single inhale.
     It occurred to me that I'd been gluttonous before, always stuffing my face until my skin tightened and my bones hid.  I became efficient, taking in only what I needed.  My body learned, shedding weight from fat, muscle, bone and even certain unmentionables.  What I lost in stature, I gained back ten-fold.  I became a machine of survival.  After months of self-pruning, I found I could again lift my arms.  It was several days before I attempted to stand and when I did, I fell.  I realized life on two legs was a thing of the past.  Hunched on all fours, I stalked the office, scouring the shadows for what prey might be caught.  My shriveled feet and hands were silent, my arms and legs as thin as shower curtain rods and bent at odd angles over my streamlined remains.  My ribs had shrunk and transformed to enclose what few functions my body truly needed... namely:  Digestion.
     When I was finally able to turn the office's doorknob, I was met immediately by our dog Jax.  The look in his eyes betrayed his disgust at my new appearance.  Before I realized what I'd done, I'd sunk my teeth into his neck and dragged him back into the office.  I was hungrier than I'd realized!
     I decided it was time to again meet the family.

And that's what the flu was like.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

2013 audio enema

Catchy title, eh?

Monday marked the first day I went to the gym in about 4 years.  I was stoked.  My favorite workout: chest and triceps.  On my phone I have about 2 GB of music (the same playlist I've been listening to forever).  I push play and head for the benchpress bench.
What to my wondering ears did appear but slow, tragic classical nonsense. (some soundtrack theme by Yasunori Mitsuda)  Don't get me wrong, it's perfect music for staring at rain through a hazy window or imagining the mindset of a person whose soul mate was torn from them abruptly... But it clashed with the idea of pumping iron.
Next song.
Apocalyptica - Cortege
Perfect song for mourning the loss of one's homeland and then wreaking bloody vengeance on those responsible.  But a little too chaotic for working out.
Surely there is a workout album somewhere in the playlist!
Next song.
Castlevania: Symphony of the Night soundtrack - Dance of Pales
And to answer your questions, 
Yes. I listen to video game soundtracks almost exclusively.  
Yes. I know it makes me a total nerd and 
No. I don't care.
Well clearly, this is no bench press song.  It dawned on me that my music needed a drastic overhaul.

That night I went home and gave my phone an audio enema.  Together, my wife and I have about 16 GBs of songs on my computer, not including the 8 GB of video game soundtracks.  Well I don't have a device that will accommodate that much music and until this point, I had been far too lazy to pick and choose which songs to take and which ones to leave behind.  But in the spirit of new beginnings, I decided to make the effort.

Yesterday, the first day of 2013, I walk into the gym.  I decided to get warmed up on the treadmill before my second favorite workout, back and biceps.
I push shuffle.
Project 86 - The Spy Hunter.
Oh. My. Glob.
Did you know a treadmill goes to 10 MPH?  I almost ate gym floor.
Next song.
 Rage Against the Machine - Know your Enemy
(For you Rage Newbies, give it a second... It kicks in)
Next song.
In Flames - Touch of Red

I found my new playlist not only to be more gym-appropriate, but also more motivating in general.

Hey David, what's your point?

Honestly, nothing really... It had been a long while since my last post.  I've been vacationing from pretty much everything except breathing and now I'm finally back to work again and felt the need to update.

But if I had to make a point, it's that this new playlist has almost made me feel like a different person.
If you're feeling stale where you are, I strongly suggest a drastic change to your everyday song collection.  It did wonders for me.  I went home and cleaned / purged / reorganized my entire office, giving me more space and sunlight in there.

Not sure how to end this one so... high-five?

*David high-five's you*